There are certain vibes to things. At CMU, it’s just a work vibe. Full of (artificial) energy, full of potential, full of hope, full of dreams, full of discomfort, full of uncomfortable thoughts. At home, it’s cozy, warm, and comforting. I just got home a few hours ago, and I practically just want to surrender myself to everything within. To hide within these walls in safety, in peace. Hakuna matata. CMU was just a bad dream I had - this is peace, this is life. Anyways, I don’t really have time to make a full-fledged post, but here is an outline I made yesterday:
The Meaning of Life
Meaning of life is people
- When the world ends, all you want to hold on to is others. (or pray to God, whomever that is.) Not money, not some trophy or achievement or diploma
Why work?
To benefit others?
To benefit yourself?
Why study mercilessely at a university when you could be hanging out with people? Why dive into the readings of dead philosophers on what it takes to live a morally correct life when you could just live it yourself?
Why learn how to find the determinant of a matrix with PA = LU factorization or prove an equivalence relation? I can’t see where this goes, but maybe you just got to connect the dots backward.
So what to extrapolate from this? Where to go from here?
- If that’s the case, it seems reasonable to just exist with people 24/7, to hang out with them, maximize the quality of people-time no matter how you choose to do it?
- Yes… So over spring break, hanging out with my parents is going to be the highest priority. Everything else is secondary (except maybe sleep and exercising, because I can’t survive without either.)
How I’m doing
“I don’t know”
I feel nothing inside, no joy, perhaps pangs of mild sadness or guilt or longing or tiredness from just existing.
Will tomorrow ever come? Will I make it through the night?
Will there ever be a place for the broken in the light?
Am I hurting? Am I sad? Should I stay or should I go?
I’ve forgotten how to tell, did I ever even know?