[This is unfinished and will probably never be finished. This topic is particularly stressful to write about, probably because it’s an unresolved issue as of late.]
Imagine this.
You’re in some public setting. A mall of sorts. There’s tables around you. Some sort of thing you would see as outdoor seating for a restaurant, or perhaps, a library. There’s a group of people sitting at a table nearby - a few old ladies doing their own thing. They’re strangers. You’re there with a friend, who tells you a riddle/math problem just for the fun of it. Suddenly, an intrusive thought pops into your mind. What if you told that riddle to those ladies sitting over there? As you’re a natural introvert, this thought immediately brings a wave of uncomfortableness. As it’s this, precisely, that your brain latches onto. Go talk to that group of people. Come on, just do it. Do it. Why? Because it’s uncomfortable for you.
And of course, you dismiss that thought, as they’re just a total stranger and you have nothing in common with them. But here’s the thing - the feeling persists. It gets louder, more persistent, saying that you must, that you ought to pursue that uncomfortable feeling. Conquer your insecurities! Defeat your anxiety! Stop making excuses! Are you a pussy!?
And now, stuck between doing nothing, with ever-growing unease that I’m taking the easy way out thanks to the persistent badgering in my head, and growing uncomfortableness forseeing possible paths if I do approach that group of strangers, it’s tearing me apart from the inside out.
And… from the outside. It’s just an ordinary day. I’m just sitting there, paralyzed in my own mind, going increasingly anxious over absolutely nothing. Is this even social anxiety when you are the one who’s forming the anxiety out of hypothetical self-actions? I’m not scared of others judging me for simply existing - I’m scared of what happens if I take action.
In this instance, like many others, I ended up choosing inaction - the potential discomfort was just too much. (There are some instances where the discomfort of inaction gets far too much for me to bear, and I do that thing.) Many minutes pass. I leave the building, but the thought remains.
The fear during the event has now turned into regret. Why was I so scared? Why couldn’t I do it? Perhaps I just missed some major opportunity that I’ll never get back. Woe is me. I’ve failed life as it stands. I’m so bad at this.
It’s honestly a horrible feeling. And I don’t just forget about it. There are some instances of me failing to do something socially uncomfortable that have stayed with me for days, even weeks on end. It’s even more crippling than just wasting time - I’ve wasted an social opportunity that (my brain somehow thinks) is very important.
The Cause
This problem wasn’t a problem until very recently. Until, let’s say, November or December of 2023. What happened before then was Beeminder. Specifically, I held myself accountable to do at least one socially uncomfortable action every day or I would lose $5. This goal seemed very rational - I starting holding myself accountable just days before classes started because I felt that I was missing far too many opportunities with the people around me because I was too introverted. In order to sieze the moment and not be controlled by social anxiety (and end up talking to absolutely no one), I had to give myself that extra boost.
In fact, it did work. I managed to go two whole months doing this, during which I talked with far more people than I would’ve otherwise. I met a lot of new people, had a decent number of awkward conversations, and in a piece of writing just one-month in, I reflected,
things that had previously been formidable, like initiating conversations with strangers or asking for absurd things, now seemed exciting. The fear was replaced by eagerness, excitement for the possibilities ahead.
(9/14/23) [full statement at the bottom]
Best use of my \$5. Right? Right!?! I was literally defeating my social anxiety day by day - and doing so in a matter of months rather than years. With \$5 on the line, I somehow conditioned my brain that uncomfortable situations are pursuable, worthwhile, and feasible to do.
In fact, this worked so well that after a few months, I had run out of “low effort” uncomfortable things to do. The energy to uncover some “socially acceptable” uncomfortable opportunity had, on average, somehow exceeded the energy that would be put into doing the uncomfortable thing. (In my final days of the goal, I pitched the topic DFB [1] in two large lecture-style classes just to avoid losing money.) In order to not take up a significant portion of my day, I rationalized that the best thing to do now would be to stop the goal completely.
That… may have not been the right move. Removing the goal only removed the accountability/“push” needed to do uncomfortable things - my brain still was familiar with pursuing uncomfortable situations, but now could not justify doing so.
Why has this goal ended up being bad? Isn’t pursuing discomfort good?
[1] The Don’t Fall Back Movement - basically attempting to convince students to not turn their clocks back by an hour when DST ended. I think I’m the only person who actually followed through though. lol (I actually made flyers of this and put them around campus as well. This was such a great use of my time /sarcasm)
Appendix
It turns out that all you need to get the confidence to talk to people was \$5. Just two weeks ago, I committed to a goal that I needed to do at least one uncomfortable thing a day. I put \$5 on the line through an app called Beeminder, and started getting completely out of my comfort zone on day 1. Why? Life is full of fleeting opportunities, moments throughout the day that require just a bit of courage or tenacity to pursue. It was precisely opportunities like these that I kept shying away from, scared of stepping out into the unknown, of initiating conversations, of meeting strangers. Surprisingly, with the fear of losing money in the back of my mind, these daunting tasks suddenly became more approachable. Sure, sometimes they were still hard, sometimes they were uncomfortable. But I’ve also met a lot more people and learned a lot more things than I would’ve. I’ve gotten an invitation to go to the gym with someone simply because I asked “how they got so buff,” and have had my own private concert after asking a student sitting with a guitar on campus if he knew how to play Ed Sheeran.
Not only that, I’ve now come to realize that things that had previously been formidable, like initiating conversations with strangers or asking for absurd things, now seemed exciting. The fear was replaced by eagerness, excitement for the possibilities ahead. With this confidence, I began making eye contact more. I began remembering people’s faces, asking bolder questions, and became more outgoing and sociable. (As a CS nerd, this is significant progress.)
[… truncated because this part’s irrelevant]
9/14/23 (excerpt from some frat application thing that I never submitted)
Outline
Whenever I see an opportunity to do some socially uncomfortable thing, I immediatelly have an urge to do it.
- Talking with strangers, asking someone some bizarre question, chatting up the employees working at the place I’m currently in, etc.
Problem is, sometimes the situation’s so uncomfortable that I just won’t do it. (Weird for me or the other person, or maybe risky given that I don’t know people. stranger danger? Is this even still a thing?)
- At this point, I’ll probably have a ~35% chance of actually comitting and doing it. But if I don’t do it, the feeling of doing it won’t go away. It doesn’t matter if I’m with friends, if I’m with my parents, or if I’m alone. It’s going to be in the back of my mind.
If I don’t do it, I’ll feel horrible inside.
It’ll always be there. I can try to rationalize myself not to do it, but I find that my brain just ends up saying something along the lines of are you a pussy??? Are you a pussy? Stop making excuses because you’re scared! And honestly, I’m not sure how I can convince myself otherwise. Anyways, I just kind of end up in a state of either total paralysis or take action. Either way, it feels very uncomfortable and stressful.
I can’t sit idly no I can’t move at all.
The feeling doesn’t go away when the uncomfortable opportunity disappears. In fact, it just turns into full-on regret. Why didn’t I talk to that one person about that whatever thing? I have unconditionally failed life. More regret than if I had wasted a few hours online.
Regret can last for days, even weeks at times. (Go through some examples)
Why?
What strikes me as particularly interesting is that this kind of mind-badgering and regret only appears to 1) uncomfortable and 2) social situations. And 3), this problem only started a few weeks ago.
At the start of CMU, there were a lot of opportunities to talk to people. As I was naturally introverted, I missed a decent amount of these such things (including going up to people at booths and meeting new friends in the dining area.) Thus, I concluded that in order to actually seize the moment and not let my life be controlled by social anxiety, I would put myself in at least 1 uncomfortable social situation per day. Like all other things that I hold myself accountable to, I put a committment on Beeminder. This was 8/26, a Saturday, just two days before the first day of classes.
I put $5 on the line through an app called Beeminder… Why? Life is full of fleeting opportunities, moments throughout the day that require just a bit of courage or tenacity to pursue.
…
Seizing the opportunity with $5 at stake (10/8/23)
If you read the full excerpt on the bottom, you can see it’s filled with positive energy,
Two months in, I stopped because I had essentially “conquered” the daily uncomfortable things and going out of my comfort zone now would require significant effort on my part to create that discomfort (ex. pitching some absurd idea in front of an entire lecture hall of students, which I did do twice in fact.)
Okay fine, but why am I so scared now? And instead of being a positive thing, why has this obsession turned into a net-negative?
I’ve regressed, but the urge is still there
- That’s why failing feels like regret. Because somewhere in my brain I know that I could’ve done that. (my past self could’ve done that)
My confidence disappeared, but instead of an eagerness/excitement when I improve/strive to get out of my comfort zone, it’s just regret when I don’t.
It’s like Beeminder planted a dictator in my head, but now he realizes that the levers to get me to do uncomfortable things don’t work anymore (because of the lack of \$5 on the line) and feels angsty because of his lack of control.
- This kinda feels like what happened with CP (competitive programming). I fell off the improvement cycle at the end of junior year, and every time I tried to get back on I would basically criticize myself for doing it far worse that what I was doing in the past. Solved problems didn’t feel like achievements (“you could’ve solved that way better last year!”) and unsolved problems just meant that I was a failure and have regressed way too much. (“I definitely could’ve solved that before!“) All this negative energy did not help, and it was probably one of the reasons I quit CP senior year.
- Solution? Acceptance of my current state of affairs and see where I can go from here.
I’m already siezing the important conversations and now my brain just fixates on the non-important ones cuz I still fail those.
Beeminder has created some habitual loop in my brain. Oh look, uncomfortable situation? GO go go!@!!!!!
I guess just kinda ignore myself then? Like bro chill you don’t need to try so hard.
I’m not at CMU right now. And There aren’t any adequate challenges right now but my brain is still seeking a challenge
Things are either too easy or too hard - unlike CMU, where there can be dozens (maybe hundreds) of encounters with people every day, at home there’s like 5-10 if you go outside to a store or something. (2-3 if I don’t) (0 if I don’t go outside at all)
I’m trying to do things that are way above my comfort zone (that’s how you burn out in other areas)
Question: How far should I push myself? When does overriding discomfort become dangerous?
I had the thought of following someone today just to say hi to them and get that hit of discomfort. Or maybe going onto neighbor’s properties to say hi to the construction workers. Maybe that’s a bit too extreme?