I’m too tired to care.

Or rather, caring too much has made me tired. Mentally exhausted to the point where I’ve started wasting time again. This past week, I’ve cared so much about pushing up the next hill, about diving headfirst into discomfort when the opportunity arose, and about maximizing my time that I feel like I haven’t actually enjoyed anything this past week.

When was the last time I was happy? Blissfully happy, happy to be alive, happy to be doing what I was doing with no desire to finish as fast as possible? When people ask me how I’m doing, often in passing, I would want to instinctively say something along the lines of “miserable,” “I hate this,” or “exhausted.” After thinking for a brief moment about what I’ve actually been doing, however, I muster up a “good” with a half-hearted smile and move on with my day. It seems, objectively, that I’ve been doing everything right. I’m growing in a multitude of areas, I’m learning lots of new (useful?) things, and I’m forming new connections with people. I’ve gone to bed at 10:15 pm every day, ran 36 miles this week, cooked two breakfast meals, and, in the pursuit of furthering my social skills, stood in front of a hundred students to pitch the idea of perhaps not turning the clocks back this Sunday. (The Don’t Fall Back Movement) Yet, I feel like I’m not me anymore. I intuitively feel that I’m not where I want to be or doing what I want to do, but I’m clueless as to how to fix this. It’s not even about setting goals or managing time or having a life. That, I assure you, is what I can do. It’s rather a feeling. A feeling that what I’m doing right now isn’t valuable or worthwhile enough to be taking up all of my time. A deep feeling of unfulfillment that I just can’t shake.

I really don’t want to waste time, but I don’t want to be doing another problem set either. I don’t want to shove coding out of my schedule and be miserable, but I also don’t want to fall behind on my homework.

Ah well, the sad truth is that I can’t run up every hill. I can’t pursue everything deeply, because time and energy are both finite resources. Did I run up the wrong hills then? Have I already lost myself?

Can I take another step? I’ve done everything I can
All the people that I see, they will never understand
If I find a way to change, if I step into the light
Then I’ll never be the same and it all will fade to white

~ from “Bad Apple!!”

If success is “liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it,” I think I only got the first part, if that. I don’t know what to do.