You look down today
A friend, from a year below me, said to me today. As I was sitting there, chewing on the worst general tso’s chicken I’ve had in my life. Salty fking rubbery chicken. It was just 60% rice, 20% soy sauce whatever, and 20% unchewable chicken. And it cost a whole 14 dollars. really? I’ve been trying to not Grubhub as much so I can save money (or at least not lose all of it before I get a job…) but really? CMU? Can’t you do better?
eric.
Hey.
Hey. Can’t you do better? With what great opportunities you have in front of you. And yet you sit there in front of the computer. Dejected. As if you’ve already lost. Depressed. As if sadness weren’t an emotion, but instead a state of being. A blanket covering the joy, dulling the sunshine. Darkness merits attention. You sometimes forget the light. You wonder if there’s ever going to be a brighter day ahead.
You look down today.
I’m surprised you noticed. I smile at everyone, unconsciously. Maybe my eyes gave it away. Maybe it was because I was zoned off into space absentmindedly chewing this unchewable chicken that you caught me in a state of stupor. Maybe it was because I was looking at you, but not really, eyes focused on the wall 20 feet away. What must it be like to be normal? I don’t even have anything to be sad about. Nothing to be stressed about. But alas, the feelings are still there. I can’t run, I can’t. inevitably sinking beneath the waves. from the… i don’t…
You ask me how things are going.
I say, could be better.
You reply with the quite astute observation: You look down today.
The conversation goes nowhere after that.
I really want to relaunch cirex.dev to bring my insight into the world. But if all I’m going to be churning out is mind dumps that were carelessly thought through, hapazardely written and fueled with apathy and depression, then maybe this whole site isn’t worth your time as well.
I’ve been browsing the CS Waterloo webring, and I’ve noticed two things about the blogs:
- Why the f*** are the vast, vast majority of them so boring?
- Why are none of them ranting about being depressed and apathetic and how they’re hopeless and how they have no future? I thought it was a common occurence…? Or maybe they just don’t feel like sharing. Ahahaha. Yea. Surely it’s that. Can’t let the recruiters see how much of an emotional wreck they are.
ANYWHO! I’ll use my second late day for 15-316, and I also have 17313 work to do. and I also have design work to do. Honestly it’s not even that much, but when you make an epsilon amount of progress per day, it might as well will take the next year and a half to finish. You know those download progress bars that slow down so much the time estimate just gives up? You know…
30 seconds left!
45 seconds left!
2 minutes left!
37 minutes left!
1hr 2min left!
1 day left!
…resume download…
You know, this is probably a pretty apt representation of what the gradual loss of dopamine does to a person contemplating brushing their teeth.
…
I wish I could do great things. Or rather, I wish I had the wish to do great things. Like I see people do things with their time, and I can’t help but think why? what’s the point? But when you’re stuck in that state, of course things don’t really have a point. People aren’t going about their day thinking man, I’ve got to eat food today. Preferably 3 meals. I will do so in order to still have a functioning body and to not die. But oh, the door to leave my room is so, so far away. And then I have to walk outside, etc etc. No, I think they just probably do it without a second thought.
Acco
[yea it just ends here.]