I don’t need new friends.

At least, that’s what I thought. I thought I could simply exist without forming connections with others, holed up in the computer lab doing homework or coding. (or, in rare instances, both) But there’s been this nagging feeling recently. This feeling that I need someone. When the work dies down, all that remains is a hollow sensation, a longing that runs deeper than mere satisfaction or achievement.

I long for deep connection, past the shallow everyday talk, past the how did you do on the last [homework/midterm]? conversations. I need someone to be there through my joys and sorrows in life. To be there unconditionally, not out of obligation but from some deep-seated connection. I want to hug them without the need to let go - to hold on and be held in a deep embrace of trust, understanding, and empathy. No words - just mutual appreciation of each other, of life, and the beautiful existence of each other. Quiet nights and busy days, stitched together by a strong relationship with a good friend or romantic other. That you trust that they trust you. That you know that they know you.

Even if everything’s meaningless, I think the best place to find meaning is through human connection. Because if no one cares, why not just kill yourself? Does it really matter what abilities you have or what knowledge you have accrued if there’s no one to share it with? If no one you know benefits from your actions? On the flip side, I need to be understood. I need to feel like I belong somewhere.

The reality

Even though I’m talking to several new people per day, every interaction feels too fleeting, too temporary to have meaning. I never felt a spark, never felt ecstatic joy or blissfully happy during these conversations. What does it even take to bond with others on a deeper level? What does it take to find yourself with such a meaningful connection? To have someone share and reciprocate your values/vibe, and provide even more than what you could’ve asked for?

What if I’m just different? What if I just happen to value different things or see things differently? Maybe it’s hard for people like us. People who take the world at face value, not consumed by daily worries and fleeting pleasures or obsessed over how others think. To rise above the noise, only to find darkness and emptiness in the process. To echo an interesting point my closest high school friend made recently: What if we’re the weird ones? I just want to be normal, to be able to talk about everyday shallow topics with others, and to genuinely feel good about it.

I would (and still will) insist on the stereotypical trope of being yourself, to talk about the deep and genuine things in life if that makes you happy. Even if you end up lonely for months or years, it’s certainly worth it to be genuine rather than to lose yourself in the process. It’s all about how much pain you can tolerate before you feel the need to compromise. However, this doesn’t mean that I won’t try.

How to find my people

To maximize the chances of finding that someone, I’m now trying to talk to as many people as possible in situations that would allow conversations longer than 5 minutes. The best time I’ve found is during mealtimes. Especially when it’s crowded, someone has to sit next to me, and that’s when I initiate conversation. I could comment on them or myself - anything that comes to mind. The point is I’ll indicate that I’m friendly to talk to. Whatever happens next is up to them. Sometimes, I’ve found that people will sit in silence for the next few minutes, then suddenly ask a question that they wouldn’t have asked had I not started the conversation earlier.

Initiating conversations is kind of like poking a stick in the side of a snowy mountain. Sometimes, I might jab into a rock or some hard ice, but other times, I could end up with a mini-avalanche of conversation. Most of the time, though, I just make a small, barely perceptible dent in another person’s life.

The chances of finding a deep connection are even slimmer, but life is filled with low-frequency, high-impact events. I’ve just got to get lucky once.