It’s been 5 weeks since the official start of classes, and yet not one single blog post… Granted, I only half-heartedly tried to start writing for 30 minutes every day, but somehow that period of time always disappeared by the time I got to it. The workload here is insane. Or maybe I’m just trying too hard to learn the concepts.
So, to answer the stereotypical questions first:
How’s CMU?
Exhausting? Definitely. Fulfilling? Worthwhile? No clue. I’m currently taking two math classes (15-151, 21-241), a CS class (15-122), and an environmental ethics course. The math courses have been taking up 70% of my total homework time, with ethics taking up most of the rest. I came here to code, not to do math, but if it helps me in the future, I’m all for it. I do occasionally have to do some CS homework, but it’s been surprisingly easy/boring so far. CMU, really? Okay, fine, I guess it’s an introductory course. And at least there’s no strict attendance policy.
I will admit, the first few weeks here were not great. Orientation week sucked, and I was actually quite depressed through the entire thing. And the thing is, it’s set up to maximize the number of people interactions when the last thing I wanted to do that week was talk to people. It got slightly better when classes started, but then the homework came in quick succession, and I couldn’t remember the last time I worked this hard.
And then there was more, and more, and more. Am I smarter? I don’t know. I think I’m still vastly more inexperienced than some of the freshmen here. The workload does feel slightly more manageable now, but I’m still willing to bet that there’s a lot of work right now. It just feels kind of chill because it’s slightly less than before.
In these past 5 weeks, I also had plenty of depressive episodes as I attempted to grasp the fragility and temporality of life. I’ve cried myself to sleep over the fear (and the sad reality) of losing everything I’ve ever loved (see appendix), woken up feeling empty and directionless, and pondered how lonely and insignificant and worthless I was in the grand scheme of things. Ed Sheeran’s most recent album, Subtract, (in which he chronicles his struggles in 2022) became my go-to playlist on those days.
These days, I’m still feeling a mixture of ups and downs, confusing thoughts, and strange dreams. Perhaps that’s what life is all about - just riding the waves in the ocean of time.
Made any new friends?
Maybe? If you’re from CMU and I have told you about this site directly, I probably do consider you to be one of my closest contacts at CMU right now. But friends take months or years to develop, so no rush there. I still feel lonely at times, but I guess that’s part of the process.
Joined any cool clubs? Did you go to any parties?
Nope. It’s not like I need any of that to be fulfilled. I’ve still got my old high school friends (granted, across the country now,) and I seriously doubt I can fit in any significant time commitment without sacrificing something existing. I’m trying to be very conservative with my time, but I make sure to do the things that I do commit to well, like this blog.
Anything new?
I’ve been sleeping at 10:15 and waking up (without an alarm!) between 7:30 and 8, exercising, and calling my parents every day. (Haven’t missed a single day so far!) I eat at the same buffet place three times a day (Schatz for the win!), and do 1 hr work / 17 min rest intervals when doing any kind of work. In terms of a balanced lifestyle, I think I’m hitting literally all the recommendations. (I still do feel bad some days, but idk.) I think I’ve also been the most productive in my entire life, but that’s what having a ton of homework forces you do to eventually. I’m sure if anyone else was (or actually, is currently in) the same position as I am, they would also be this productive if they willed themselves to. There are certainly people who stay up until 4 am to study for a test or finish some homework assignment, but I feel like that’s the exception here, not the norm.
I suddenly have the urge to type a ■ like you do at the end of proofs. God, maybe I have turned into a math nerd or something.
Appendix
From my Notes, 9/20/23
I don’t want to move on, away from my family, away from my past life in where I used to be. I can’t write this without tearing up again. I’m sorry
I’ve cried myself to sleep last night thinking about all the things that I’ve left behind, things that’ll probably never happen again. Parents, memories of love and tenderness and care. Love. It can’t be replaced very easily, can it? Can it be replaced at all? There’s an empty feeling now, a feeling of longing for something that I never realized was gone, until now. But now it’s hitting me, it’s hitting me so darn hard and I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how other people are able to see the good in life, when it all ends in tragedy and loss. The more high you feel, the lower you feel when it’s all over. “Easy come, hard go” (from one of Ed Sheeran’s songs in his new depressing soundtrack) never made any sense until now.
Aw well. What can I do now? I’m at this place, at a place full with possibility while my parents fade away in the background. I don’t want to move on. I don’t want to forget them, be fine with not living with them, not under their warm embrace and comfort. I don’t want to just, leave, to be like, hey look, I’m independent. I don’t need you guys anymore.
Come on, you say, just move on. It’s not that easy man. But, alas, I got a 15-151 pset due today, so I should probably do that as I hold back the tears at the thought of letting go.